This story washed over the transom as an uncredited, much-forwarded email message. Recently I was contacted by the original author, one Eric D. Snider, and asked to acknowledge his rights to the work. Mr. Snider has allowed us to retain this altered version so long as we credit him as original author, and provide links to the original work:

If you wish to contact the author directly, please write to eric@ericdsnider.com.

Many of you have seen the film "Titanic," which is about a great big boat that sank like a thousand years ago that for some reason everyone is just now getting worked up about. Some of you -- I am speaking to the women here -- have seen this movie several times. And I would like to know why.

Have the principles of film-making not been adequately explained to you, so you think there's a chance the movie will end differently if you see it again? Do you think this is a "Choose Your Own Adventure" movie? Because it's not. No matter how many times you see it, the boat is going to sink, and the same people are going to die, including the guy who falls and whacks his noggin on the railing on the way down.

I think this movie is entirely too long. The actual sinking of the Titanic took only four hours; the movie is easily three times that long. From the following choices, select the "this-movie-is-too-long" line you like best and go with it:

• Savings bonds have matured in less time than it takes to watch this movie.
• Most Hollywood marriages do not last as long as this movie.
• I had to shave twice during this movie.
• Three Eastern European nations (Izikikstan, Checher, and Zknkkmnzxxk) were formed while I was watching this movie.

As a public service, then, I am offering my much-shortened screenplay which some ambitious film-maker can feel free to use as the script for a shorter version of "Titanic." All I want in return is a lot of money.

Scene 1

KATE WINSLET: Why, this is a fancy boat, isn't it?

KATE'S WEASELLY FIANCE: Yes it certainly is. Here is the art you
asked for. It is by an artist named "Picasso." I am certain he will
amount to nothing.

KATE: Ha ha ha. That is very funny to our '90s audience, because of
course Picasso later amounted to quite a bit, after this boat sank.


LEONARDO DICAPRIO: Hello, I'm Leonardo DiCaprio. Perhaps you
have seen the many Internet sites dedicated to the worship of me. You
are very pretty.

KATE: Thank you. So are you.

LEONARDO: I know. Prettier than you, in fact. I am going to put on my
"brooding" face now, to ensure that women will keep coming back again
and again to see this movie. Later, my white shirt will be soaking
wet.

KATE: While you're doing that, I will concentrate on standing here and
looking pretty, to keep the men in the audience interested until the
boat sinks and people start dying.

WEASELLY FIANCE: Excuse me. I do not like you, Leonardo, even
though you saved my fiancee's life. I am going to sneer at you and
treat you like dirt because you're poor, and then I'll probably be
physically abusive to my fiancee, and then, just to make sure the
audience really hates me, and to make sure my character is entirely
one-dimensional, perhaps I'll throw an elderly person into the
water. And be English. 

AUDIENCE: Boo! We hate you! Even though all real people have at
least a few admirable qualities, we have not been shown any of yours,
and plus, you're trying to come between Leonardo and Kate, and so
therefore we hate you! Boo! (Even though technically it is Leonardo
who is coming between you and Kate. But Leonardo is handsomer than
you, even though he is only 13, so we are on his side. Boo!)

Scene 2

LEONARDO: I'm glad we snuck away like this so that you could cheat
on your fiance.

KATE: So am I. Even though I am engaged to him and have made a
commitment to marry him, that is no reason why you and I cannot
climb into the backseat of a car and steam up the windows
together. The fact that I am the heroine of the movie will no doubt
help the cattle-like audience forgive me of this, though they would
probably be VERY angry indeed if my fiance were to do the same thing
to me. 

AUDIENCE: Darn straight we would! Moo! We mean, Boo!

LEONARDO: I agree. First, I would like to draw you, though, so of
course you have to take off your clothes.

KATE: But can a movie with five minutes of continuous nudity be at all
successful in say, Provo, Utah, where the audiences might not stand
for that sort of thing?

LEONARDO: I would be willing to bet that for the first three weeks the
film is in release, every single showing at Wynnsong Theater in Provo
will sell out.

NARRATOR: According to Wynnsong manager Matt Palmer, that is
exactly what happened.

KATE: All right, then.

Scene 3

FIRST MATE: Captain, we're about to hit an iceberg.

CAPTAIN: Great, I could use some ice for my drink.

ICEBERG: (hits boat)

FIRST MATE: That can't be good.

CAPTAIN: Bottoms up!

AUDIENCE: (silence)

FIRST MATE: That was irony, you fools.

AUDIENCE: Baa! Moo! Where's Leonardo?

Scene 4

LEONARDO: I have been informed that this boat is sinking

KATE: That is terrible

LEONARDO: Would you like to engage in some more immoral-but-justified
behavior?

KATE: Certainly.

WEASELLY FIANCE: (aside) I'm getting the raw end of the deal here.
(to Leonardo) Listen, Leonardo, to cement my morally-dubious-yet-
somehow-less-annoying-than-you personality, I am going to handcuff you
to this pipe, here in a room that will soon be filling with water, due
to the fact that we are sinking, which I believe has been mentioned
previously.

LEONARDO: Why don't you just shoot me?

WEASELLY FIANCE: Because then you wouldn't be able to escape and
save Kate from me. Of course, you're going to die anyway --

AUDIENCE: Don't spoil it for us! Boo!

LEONARDO: He's right, though. I am doomed.

AUDIENCE: Aww, look how cute he is when he's doomed.

WEASELLY FIANCE: I hate you people.

Scene 5

150-YEAR-OLD-KATE: And that's when Leonardo rescued me from
my evil fiance and helped me float on a board in the water. Of course,
if it hadn't been for having to rescue HIM, I could have gotten on an
actual lifeboat, and not frozen my legs nearly off. Anyway, he's
pretty much dead now, and I'm well over a thousand years old, and
who's making my supper? I need a bath. Turn down that Enya music, it's
making my ears hurt. You kids today, with your loud music. Why, when I
was -- hey!

Don't you walk away from me, Mr. Snooty-Patootie! I'd turn you over
my knee, if I had one. I'll beat you in the head with this huge
diamond! Come back here!